If you’re a regular here, you know that I am a writer at heart, but what you may not know is that writing has been a coping mechanism of mine for years, long before I started this blog. It’s how I make sense of the world and organise my thoughts, especially when I am feeling overwhelmed or can’t make sense of a situation. I’ve written letters to loved ones to better express myself if and when I was feeling misunderstood or unheard, some of those letters I sent, some I didn’t, because sometimes I knew that it wasn’t worth it and it wasn’t going to help, so I’d just write them to unburden myself. I have so many notes on my phone where I just let it all out when I am feeling frustrated, or sometimes my mind is working overtime and I cannot sleep at night, then I’ll just write whatever it is that is bothering me and it usually works, I feel so much lighter after doing it.

I say all this to say that writing has been a huge part of my life and I am going to share some excerpts from my personal pieces I’ve written as a way to make sense of the loss of loved ones; these excerpts are from different points of my life, some more recent than others. You’re probably wondering why I am doing this, well, because like I said, writing is how I deal with shit man, and I thought, maybe how I’m feeling could help someone else with their loss, maybe knowing that those feelings are normal, valid and common can be helpful in some way, or shit, maybe I wrote this to make myself feel better; knowing that I’m not the only one who feels this way, I don’t know, I just felt compelled to share this so here goes nothing.

“Yesterday was tough, I pretty much avoided thinking about your funeral all day, and you know what, I thought I pulled it off – I didn’t cry once, but now it’s haunting me, it’s almost 4am and I can’t bloody sleep. I had a dream about you and now I’m riddled with guilt, and I hate that I can’t call you and ask you how to deal with this, you always knew what to say in situations like this, or at least make some inappropriate joke to make me laugh till I forget that I was ever sad.”

“Today is your birthday and I am going out, I remember how we used to always do the most on your birthday because it is so close to the long weekend; how you’d make me drink shots (even though you know I hate them) and hype me up and say “yoh my friend, we’re too pretty, we have to go out.” – you were a launcher of note ke wena . I am having a hard time but I am going to try to have fun because I know that’s what you’d want, you never missed an opportunity to celebrate anything; big or small, we had to celebrate it and you know what? I have adopted that attitude myself, I celebrate every little thing, it keeps life exciting, so thank you for teaching me that. Happy birthday friend, I love and miss you so much. “

“I miss our video chats – and spending the first 10 minutes telling you to move the phone away from your face because it’s too close ; how you’d scold me for saying I don’t want kids and I’m not sure if I even wanna get married; I truly got annoyed by how every chance you got, you asked if I’ve found a husband yet  but now I miss that too “

“You were the person I went to with just about anything, things I can’t talk to some people about, and somehow you always knew when I wasn’t doing well, that’s when you reached out the most. I really don’t know how I’m gonna do this without you, without your wise ass comments, your words of wisdom and just general warmth – even though you annoyed me sometimes; now I feel like I’ve lost a huge part of me. I’m really struggling, I hate feeling sad all the time, but it never stops.”

“I have people asking me how I’m feeling or if I’m okay daily since your passing, and honestly I never know exactly what to say to that because if I said exactly how I felt, I’d probably cry and never stop and I hate feeling like a burden or an inconvenience, or being pitied. I know you kept telling me to let people in and let people care about me but it doesn’t come as naturally to me as it did you, people haven’t always been the nicest to me, they haven’t always had the best intentions, but I’m trying, I really am .”

“Something happened today and I wanted to tell you all about it but then I remembered that I can’t. I got angry at you for leaving me and at God for taking you. I. AM. ANGRY!”

“I miss you so much, I literally want to scream with how much I’m in pain. And I can’t stand that I wasn’t there to say my last goodbye maybe moving here was a bad idea?“

“I hope you’re resting peacefully my love, this sucks but I hope, at the very least, you’re at peace.”

You’ve probably experienced loss yourself, and I just want to say that I am so sorry for your loss, I know that doesn’t help but I truly am, and I hope you find solace in knowing that you are not alone and that your feelings are valid. I hope you are surrounded by so much support and love that you are free to feel your feelings and express them.

I also want to remind you that there’s no ‘right’ way to grieve; I’ve seen people trying to dictate how people should mourn by saying things like “you should get off social media and take time to mourn your loved ones“, and that doesn’t always work for everyone, some people need an outlet and if that’s you, that’s also okay, so do what works and is helpful to you throughout your grieving process.

Till next time my loves,

xoxo, Refiloe