The words we choose when communicating are so important, they have a very lasting impact and can create a lasting memory, either good or bad, so it’s very important to choose them wisely. Words can make or break a relationship and your choice of words and the way you express yourself can advance or halt your career. I’ve noticed lately that I am very sensitive to what words a person chooses when they talk to me, and I think I’ve always known this about myself, I just wasn’t consciously aware of it, and since I’ve now brought it to the surface, I find myself being extra vigilant about what, to whom and how I say the things I want to say.

I think my sensitivity to words came from growing up an avid reader. The written word has always been a huge part of my life (surprise surprise, she writes for fun ). As a kid, I used to save my lunch money and buy the newspaper, some people thought it was weird that a 12-year-old was buying and reading the newspaper , but I didn’t care, it’s also how I actually learnt the English language, by reading anything and everything (I also used to read my dad’s biology and maths textbooks ), and by also reading the subtitles while watching TV shows. I say all this to say, I think I’ve always understood the importance of words – both written and spoken, I just couldn’t verbalise it, until now.

Words have energy and power with the ability to help, to heal, to hinder, to hurt, to harm, to humiliate, and to humble.

Yehuda Berg

Communication with others

I look back to my childhood and the rest of my life in general, and I still recall all the words that have ever been used to tear me down. I was telling someone recently that I once had a disagreement with someone I dated, and while I don’t remember what the disagreement was about because it was years ago, I do remember that he told me he hated me, and that stuck with me – I just couldn’t wrap my head around the fact my boyfriend (at the time), who supposedly loved me, would use such a strong word solely because we disagreed on something. There has been plenty of instances like that in my life with family, friends, colleagues, etc., where in the heat of the moment, ugly things were said, and years later, even though I may not remember what caused the conflict, I do remember what was said and how it made me feel.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I’m always a victim in these situations, absolutely not, I’ve also been guilty of being hurtful with my words, in fact, I honed that skill at a very young age, I’ve just always had a knack for words – both constructive and destructive, I think it’s also because I’m petite and have always been small, which made me a target for bullies, so I learnt to use words to stand up and defend myself very early in life, but I have also used my powers for evil. I think it’s only as I grew older and wiser that I chose to control my tongue and be careful with what I say. I’ll say this about me: if I said something and it felt like I was being disrespectful, chances are, I meant to be disrespectful because I try to be careful with my words, most times… sometimes when people go low, I go to hell because disrespect and audacity are at an all-time high these days, especially on the internet with people talking out of the side of their necks hiding behind a keyboard, but I digress. I am not perfect, I sometimes do act/react from a place of hurt and trauma and lash out when it’s not warranted (but I must say, that’s happening less and less lately so a huge shout-out to therapy), and sometimes people get triggered due to their own trauma, not because what was said was offensive/disrespectful.

I also remember all the wonderful words that have been used to build me up. I recently discovered that words of affirmation mean so much to me, especially from my loved ones, I used to think that I prefer actions and don’t really care for words, and while that’s somewhat accurate – I do think actions matter more, but I also think that words matter a lot, especially when they match up with the actions, so I prefer both as a combo. My loved ones telling me they are proud of me, encouraging me when I feel like giving up, reminding me that I’m loved and cared for – that is what has kept me going when things seemed bleak, those words gave me the courage and strength to face challenges head-on because I knew I had people rooting for me – my cheerleaders.

Internal Dialogue

The power of words also comes into play when you define your reality. The words you repeatedly use in your mind to describe yourself and your identity are some of the most powerful forces in your life. If you constantly use self-deprecating language in your internal dialogue, you’ll eventually believe it and work against yourself. Telling yourself that you are dumb, weak, ugly, worthless, or stupid can drain you of the power to find positive meaning from your experiences. Say you fail an exam or test, does this mean that you’re a failure or does this mean that you now know areas you need to work on in order to improve? That’s up to you to determine. If you tell yourself that you are dumb all the time, then when you fail at something, you rarely see the perspective that it may have a silver lining, you are much more likely to use it to affirm your belief that you are indeed dumb, -“See, I failed. I really am dumb .” Don’t get me wrong, it’s normal to feel like a failure initially after failing, but you can decide to change what the failure means to you internally, and you can foster a positive interpretation of nearly all events in life – and I know it’s easier said than done, trust me, I know, I’m still trying to get it right myself because Lord knows I’m my own worst critic, but the most important thing is to try.

Some of the power comes from the words themselves, and some comes from the emotion and intensity with which they are used. If you say to someone “I can’t stand you” in a playful tone and with a laugh — they’ll probably react differently than if you use an aggressive tone. This is where texting gets tricky, it’s so easy to have a misunderstanding over text because words are also filtered by the recipient based on their psychological and emotional state, so they can interpret the meaning of words far differently than what was intended.  So I invite you to be careful about going too deep in the search for the meaning of words without having the added benefits of knowing the context, hearing the tone, seeing facial expressions, and interpreting body language. Be aware that the power of words works both ways — power in their expression, and power in their reception.

I think it’s also important to be aware of the way others’ words affect us. We can misinterpret the words of others based on our own emotional lens. But, we can also falsely tolerate the words of others that we would be better off not exposing ourselves to and internalising. So be mindful of what you say and how you say it, don’t allow people to talk to you anyhow, and most importantly, speak kindly to yourself.

I hope you enjoyed my ramblings and scattered thoughts bathong, till the next post

xoxo, Refiloe